Journeys of a Pregnant Virgin

On Thursday I had my last exam, in Fundamentals of Jungian Psychology, and afterward I felt fully relaxed for the first time since I arrived in Zurich at the end of April. Yesterday was one of the sweetest and most peaceful days I have had in a while. I decided to do only what I wanted to, and what I wanted, it turned out, was a long talk with a close friend in Vancouver and then solitude, a long walk (which was somewhat thwarted by a second day of dark torrential downpours) and time to reimmerse myself in all three essays I've written in Zurich, with thoughts of where I might go from here in my writing. Another long talk with Steve, and Marianne had invited an old friend for dinner. We had a lovely meal together and good conversation. I am ongoingly grateful for the way I have been accepted into the heart of this home, and the new friendships have added something lovely and unexpected to my time in Zurich.

Now I'm counting down to my departure next Wednesday, with a lecture this morning still remaining, and mostly sorting, packing, and cleaning ahead in the next few days. My time at ISAP has been characterized by a very clear sense of "one semester at a time" and each time I've left Zurich at the end of term there has been a question in the background about whether and when I'll return. But this time it's serious. I truly don't know, which makes packing a challenge. Do I bring everything home, or leave my usual two boxes in storage?

My time here has been rich and deep in so many ways. But it may have run its course. I am hoping that my unconscious will show me the direction over the next couple of months, either through my dreams or through a growing sense of inner clarity concerning my next step. At 53 (and with a friend in hospital here after repeat cancer surgery) I am very aware of the preciousness of time, and there is so much living yet to be done. I don't feel I can really say more about this right now, but only that my dreams (for which I have growing appreciation, respect, and even love) seem to be pointing toward reserves of creative vitality and potential which I am very eager to bring into reality. Whatever form that may take, and wherever that may happen. I can say that the excessive rules and regulations of this Jungian institution and collective (quite antithetical to Jung's philosophy) have mobilized a kind of compensatory passion for freedom and self-expression that may prove to be one of the gifts of ISAP for me. I am usually simmering several ideas and projects at any given time but this seems to be a particularly fertile stretch and one of the tasks of my summer will be to get a felt sense of what is foremost and what will have to wait.

As usual my exam preparation has yielded many provocative and beautiful quotes. For example, Jung describes the "scintilla, the soul-spark, the little wisp of divine light that never burns more brightly than when it has to struggle against the invading darkness." I find this a beautiful image of the soul's passion to live its truth despite all the external and sometimes internal odds!

In another passage Jung writes of "Gideon's dew," or "the moisture that heralds the return of the soul," and describes intuition as the part of us that "revels in the garden of magical possibilities as if they were real." Which, in a sense, they are, of course. It is only the literal, rational mind that fails to apprehend that garden and robs our imaginal realm of its reality. I hadn't really thought of Jung's writing as poetic before, but the intense immersion of exam preparation has yielded many metaphors and turns of phrase that delight with their suggestiveness.

And with that, my friends, I leave you for now. If time permits I will sign off before heading home on Wednesday; otherwise, thank you for dropping by, be well during this first week of summer, and don't forget to step into the garden of magical possibilities sometime soon!

Marlene

The sun is shining and it promises to be a very warm early summer day in Zurich. I will be indoors for a six hour movement workshop today, but I'll enjoy the 45 minute walk down the hill and along the water's edge to get to the beautiful mansion where it takes place. Meanwhile I want to write a few lines here and say that I have completed the first four of my five Propideutikum (mid-training) exams and all is well. I am happy to report that I have enjoyed the process of preparing and then engaging in lively discussion of the four topics, although half an hour is a very short amount of time to delve into the material concerned.

I see more clearly now that the exams really are as much an initiation process as an objective assessment of one's knowledge of Jungian theory. Since the Ethnology and Comparative Religion exams consisted of short discussions of two essays I'd written beforehand - "The Role of Song in Contemporary European Roma/Gypsy Culture," and "Dark Sisters: Kali and the Black Madonna," respectively - these were not strictly "exams" as such, but still the ritual exam date and time were established and the formalities observed. All things considered it was not a stressful process but I am also glad it is now done. I have ten days to prepare for the last exam in this round and the reading, consisting mostly of Jung, will be stimulating.

Already I am seeing Zurich through the eyes of one preparing to leave again, and realizing what a bond I have developed with this beautiful city of lilacs and roses. As I return home to Vancouver with all I love there, I know Zurich is a soul-home for me, something I have not felt anywhere else except in Vancouver. My life is far simpler and easier here in many ways, but it is also Steve-less, which I can only take for so long. Still it's nice to know that while some of my friends dream of affording a pied a terre in Zurich, I can return anytime to my sweet little room on Hochstrasse at a more than reasonable rent and with good company to boot.

My reward after passing all four exams with flying colours was to begin reading another of James Hillman's books, THE THOUGHT OF THE HEART AND THE SOUL OF THE WORLD. No longer a "Christian" in the old sense that I grew up with, I have no desire to be any kind of "---ian" again; whether Jung-ian, Woodman-ian, or Hillman-ian. Indeed, to claim (other than with humour) identity with any of these is counter-intuitive altogether. But it doesn't mean I don't resonate passionately with their writing and soul-essences, and Hillman, newest to me, continues to delight and amaze me with the eros and poetry of his writing. Here are excerpts of my current reading, straight from my journal (minus the beautiful fuchsia and dark green shades of ink) as the Sunday churchbells chime in the distance...

"The whole endeavor of retrieving projections - that major enterprise of analytical practice - could become irrelevant once the theory of the heart were to shift from its personalistic basis. We would then recognize much of what we call projection to be an attempt by the psyche to experience things beyond ourselves as imaginal presences, an attempt to restore both heart and image to things."

"Confessional psychology misses the fact that I am already revealed in my 'Selbstdarstellung.' Revelation already given with existence - not a task. Every move we make, phrase we utter, is confession of our heart because it reveals our images. Heart is manifest in the fantasies displayed in my life, not only concealed in my depths."

"How is it possible that beauty has played such a central and obvious part in the history of the soul and its thoughts, and yet is absent in modern psychology? ... If beauty is not given full place in our work with psyche, then the soul's essential realization cannot occur.... If beauty is inherent and essential to soul, then beauty appears wherever soul appears. That revelation of soul's essence, the actual showing forth of Aphrodite in psyche, her smile, is called in mortal language 'beauty'."

And - I think the recognition and celebration of our own souls' essential beauty is a good place to close for now. Thank you for stopping by.
Marlene

Here I am, on a very wet, grey Zurich Friday afternoon, cozy in my little room. John Denver is singing in the background with his beautiful joyous voice and those straight-from-the-heart lyrics..."You fill up my senses like a night in the forest...like a walk in the rain..." I'd hoped the sun would shine today so I could march right up the Zurichberg and rid my body of some of the adrenalin it has been pumping all week in preparation for my Ethnology exam yesterday afternoon and then the Dream exam this morning.

So this is Propideuticum process. Two exams down, six to go. Three more this semester and then we'll see. The exams were pleasant enough but actually a bit anticlimactic. I had prepared very thoroughly and enthusiastically and there's only so much that can be discussed in half an hour. For the first exam I'd written a paper on the role of song in contemporary European Roma/Gypsy culture, and we really did not delve very deeply into the topic, though I'd reread all of my source material in preparation. That was a little disappointing, to be sure. But I'm glad the first two are behind me and I have the weekend to prepare for the next one on Tuesday morning.

After six weeks of fairly focussed time, I decided finally to see Sarah Polley's film, "Away From Her" this afternoon. The film itself is moving, with a radiant and heartbreaking performance from a beautiful older Julie Christie, but after fifteen minutes of ear shattering mindless commercials to begin, and a totally senseless fifteen minute intermission in the middle of a 100 minute movie (having paid $20 for a 2 pm matinee), I was so disgusted that I may never see another movie in Zurich again. It's not an upbeat movie either but it is truthful, poignant, and bittersweet, with some very lyrical moments.

I feel fired with all kinds of creative inspirations (likely a reaction to all the rules and regulations of ISAP) and look forward to developing some of them when I get back to Vancouver at the end of June. I do think that the clash and tension between my freedom-loving gypsy soul and the most highly regulation-infested training program I have ever been involved with has generated quite an intensity of creative energy. Perhaps that is not a bad thing to take away with me from Zurich.

Here are some lovely and atypically un-Jungian quotes I've stumbled across lately.

"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap!" Cynthia Heimel

"To live content with small means. To seek elegance rather than luxury.... listen to stars and birds and babes and sages with an open heart. To study hard, think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions. Never hurry. In a word, to let the spiritual, the unbidden and the unconscious rise up through the common. This is my symphony." William Henry Channing

Last not least! I like this one.
"Imagination is intelligence with an erection." Victor Hugo
Now, I think this is probably true for women - getting that animus working for us (I think I just went Jungian). But what is it for men, I wonder? Maybe the well-lubricated and moistened feminine intelligence of the anima?!

And with that, I will close for now. Wish me luck for the next three exams - I'll be back.
Meanwhile, let's all risk that leap!
Marlene